Is it time to put your separation behind you?
I used to struggle with wondering what went wrong in my first marriage.
I lived in a space of blaming my ex-husband, thinking it was all his fault. If only he did some therapy. If only he listened to me. If only HE was different, then perhaps we could have made it.
That’s the story I told myself over and over.
My friends reinforced it.
That’s what friends do. They agreed with me and nurtured me.
But that kept me stuck in blaming him for everything that was going wrong.
And then one day something changed.
I made a decision to start therapy.
Therapy showed me that I had allowed myself to become invisible. I wanted to keep the peace and avoid conflict.
Instead, I became a version of myself I didn’t like and the internal conflict was so huge I thought I could implode.
I was having nightmares about the walls and my ceiling fan in my room trying to kill me, and woke up in a panic, checking to see if maybe my husband was going to kill me!
I didn’t realise then, that my dreams where about me closing in on myself. It had nothing to do with the man fast asleep next to me!
I was fantasising about driving into an oncoming truck or tree.
I was imagining what it would be like to pack a bag, jump in the car and just drive until I could no longer drive. It didn’t even matter where I ended up.
He was the main income earner. He told me I needed him, and I believed him.
He helped me with the kids, who were so young and had no idea that their parents where so unhappy. The guilt was huge.